Pay attention to life...

To many life goes by blindly, and no-one really pays attention to their lives and what is happening to them. And perhaps this has been my fault in life, a kind of hyper-awareness to the fact that I am living life, and that there are lessons that we need to learn and without an awereness of this, one can be doomed to repeat their mistakes.

This blog, is dedicated to the woman who made who I am. When I was growing up I had a seriously antagonistic relationship with my mother…and let me be honest with my siblings as well. A more angst-filled child never existed, I remember hours spent hiding in the closet, sucking on my fingers contemplating life and what it meant. My earliest memory is of me walking around my family’s seat in Waterval in the Northwest, feeling completely abandoned, so heartbroken and alone. It is a very dark memory that haunts me to this day. I must have been around four or five years old, and I just have no idea why I would have felt that way. Church was a deeply felt event, where the lyrics to the hymns moved me to ecstasy, and every year I wondered why humanity was the way it was and they acted they way they did, and why we just felt so helpless about being human and allowed ourselves to be so evil towards each other and do the horrible things that we did.

It was the hours I spent alone contemplating who I was and what I had done that solidified this aspect of my personality, hours that I have my mother Seipati. H. Mothoagae to thank for. It was her who after a spate of deep naughtiness would banish me to my room to go and think about what I had done, and whether that served me.

This blog is dedicated to these musings, and what I have learned about life, love and spirituality. If you wonder about the same, and are as given to introspection as I am, then this should prove interesting for you. If you are interested in the musings and the viewpoints of other, no matter how strange, than this is the blog for you. This is about what I think, what I have come to accept as true of life, the world, humanity and spirituality.

Monday, October 18, 2010

The need to be all things

I've just come to the realisation that i need to be all things - the hero, the mother, the counselor, the best friend, the loved daughter, the most valued employee. And that this need to be all things is tripping me up, because then i am failing to recognise what is really important and what i need to be doing.

It may be a warning to you my friends that sometimes it isn't important to be all things, but to excel at what you are supposed to be. And therefore the key is in finding out who and what you are supposed to be.

This realisation came because I've just come through a very difficult week where i realised that i am always being courted. And that i have come to loathe this courtship dance. I no longer want to be courted, and i pray that God will just keep away from me all these people who keep courting me. But, i guess the reason for this endless courting is that i want to be right. I needed God to step up for me and say - this is my child, and i have sanctioned her actions. And so these people see my need to belong to the righteous, some are good some are evil, but all want me for their side. And i am just not sure that i want to belong to any side as every side is self-righteous and i have come to loathe self-righteousness - even my own.

but, it is this desire to be right, this burning need to be sanctioned by God that led me to what occurred this last week. And i am not pleased, as once again i was left with egg on my face. And i wonder still - what now? I need some time for introspection and readjustment and i pray that God will be with me as i come to release this need. Because in this world where evil is on the rise and is out courting this ache to be God's special child is dangerous.

And this is a warning to all those servants of the darkness - i will not be conquered or won by you. God is still on my side, and i am vigilant. I hope you my friends are also vigilant because the dark side is rising and we need to be really sure that the side we have chosen is the right one. So, be blessed with the light of the self-knowledge to discern what is good and what is evil.

Be safe.
Posted by at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)